I came across this picture of me in Cyprus. Away with just my husband (no kids so we had lots of sexy fun!).
Anyway, I began looking at HER, at ME, remembering just how relaxed I was, in a stage of what felt true self-knowing, with deep understanding of myself and of life...I had finished writing ‘In My Heart I Know’, (and am actually in the process RIGHT NOW of re-writing it, making it bigger, bolder, and more beautiful than before). At some point after, this feeling faded. Not completely, but it declined…I can’t remember when, and I can’t remember exactly why, usually it’s a mixture of many things (nothings ever ONE straight forward thing with us women is it!?).
Since then, these beautiful feelings have felt more like hard work to achieve (on and off) almost like I’ve lost my ‘feminine mojo’ an I ain’t got a fucking clue where she’s gone! This mojo I speak of is the part of us women that speaks without fear, expresses without doubt, and creates without worry. Its the part of us that just ‘does it’ without overthinking, and its the part of us that lives more fully in the present moment, with acceptance, surrender, and trust…the thing is, I know she’s still there somewhere, and every once in a while I’ll catch her and be like ‘THERE you are!’. Even as i’m writing this very open no-bullshit heart convo for you, I feel HER rising within me once again, just enough to let it out…for a little while anyway, before she buggers off!
As of late, it seems hormones are flying everywhere, body changing, and death feels like it’s just round the corner! Ha! Good lord! To be a Woman! Truth is, even as a writer, a speaker, an artist, and a pretty strong Woman who chooses to live as authentically and vulnerably from her wild heart as she can, (in many ways than one), I still fear, doubt, and think at times ‘what the fuck is going on? Am I doing things right? Who the fuck am i today?! I’ve also realised I haven’t done as many videos for social media as I used to, sharing much more through my written words…but now I know - it’s OK. I’m understanding more and more that as we grow, we change, and as we change, the WAY we choose to express ourselves changes too. Of course, being a woman who does like to talk, to inspire, and express my teachings through my ‘loud cockney storytelling voice’, I will ALWAYS still share through video in some way, (most likely when i’m out in nature or travelling through Mother Earth), but to be honest I am also now aware that I much prefer to share like that to a LIVE crowd, rather than just through a little screen...and that’s OK too!
I know you Women will totally get this little story of mine, especially those of you stepping into 40 like myself, or older (next year 2020 I reach the big 4 0!)
Anyway, i just wanted to remind you that you’re not alone in your beautiful weirdness and that it’s OK to change - it’s OK to NOT be ok at times, it’s OK to not show up, it’s OK to be scared, it’s OK to do things differently than you’ve done before, it’s OK to discover WHO you are becoming now, it’s OK to express in any way that feels right for YOU, and most importantly it’s OK to not have a bloody clue my darling…
None of us do!